


let me flatten my heart out for you

by beanboihasallmyuwus (raniarinmotion)



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Kim Hanbin | B.I, Depression, Everything is soft, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Soft Kim Hanbin, Soft Kim Jiwon, bestboi!hanbin, bestboi!jiwon, hanbin is just v sad, hanbin will heal slowly and thats okay, idk how to tag tbh, imsorryhanbin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-10
Updated: 2019-02-10
Packaged: 2019-10-25 09:06:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17722259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raniarinmotion/pseuds/beanboihasallmyuwus
Summary: — he does not want to burden anyone like this, especially a stranger who seems to be more than willing to flatten his heart out just to fill it with hanbin's.***in which hanbin is reallyreallyreally not up for recovery but then he meets jiwon.





	let me flatten my heart out for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [MVgetanAttitude](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MVgetanAttitude/gifts).
  * Inspired by [One and Only](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17533241) by [MVgetanAttitude](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MVgetanAttitude/pseuds/MVgetanAttitude). 



> k, so im a v impulsive person and i wrote this in like less than a day so dont be surprised with the run-on sentences and everything. im just a v sad human who just happens to reallyreallyreally adore ikon, especially our quail, and happens to ventwrite on impulse.
> 
> trigger warnings for yall sweethearts: panic attacks, anxiety, depression, and the such. pls if youre weakhearted or could possibly be triggered by any of that, pls read with caution or just dont read at all. take care of yourselves well :)
> 
> also this is inspired by "One and Only" by @YGgetanattitude bc wow the feels bruh and thats mostly why this work is gifted to said user bc they seem uber cool and senpai pls notice me 
> 
> also this has been edited and all but lol, if there still any mistakes or errors, let me know :3
> 
> and without further ado, enjoy :)
> 
> [i accept constructive criticism so dont be shy and be nice :)]

***

 

ADMITTEDLY, complying to take full responsibility over a three person project due in less than a month is not the wisest decision, considering the other unfinished individual projects already piling up. Hanbin, eyes bloodshot and laced with dark bags, scrolls and mulls through the many beats and bars he's added and re-edited with a blank gaze, the back of his head thumping and his stomach constricting. Curse himself for habitually letting his group partners flee and party on week nights.

Rubbing his eyes with the heels of his palms, Hanbin sighs. The song is _just_ getting by, composed of barely threaded tunes and half-done chords. Curse Gunho and Taeryung once again — well, mostly, curse himself for being shit with people.

Hanbin groggily leans back to stretch his straining muscles, absently wondering when was the last time he actually went out for anything other than the convenient store and the bathroom. Tipping his smudged glasses up his nose, Hanbin turns his phone on to read that it's half-past 5 in the morning. 

He's spent more than 36 hours inside his studio once again, scarcely getting by with just a bottle of water and some leftover snacks from previous sessions. Sighing more than the hours he sleeps, the flashing of his many self-made reminders for his forgotten assignments catch his eye before his phone dies. Oh yeah, _going_ to college is a thing.

Wobbling, Hanbin finally rises off of his chair. He scans the pigsty that is his studio, not surprised but still equally as disgusted with himself.

"I should just move in to this studio…" Hanbin tiredly begins to mumble to himself as he attempts to tidy up his cheap space. "Finish homework… then maybe food… then maybe sleep…"

Hanbin, though, has a terribly bad sense of order, because in the end, he's curled beneath some of his wrinkled jackets and drooling to the next Sunday.

 

***

 

HANBIN is a walking ticking bomb of anxiety and fatigue by the end of the week as he nonstop rushes to catch up on his crumpled homework and late book readings. Usually, he wouldn't be so antsy as he'd just vent everything out into his music and occasional poetry but he stupidly misplaced his studio key hours after he'd dragged himself out of it for a rare trip to his dorm room.

He has then settled on just holing himself away at the college's public library after classes, finding some sorry sense of serenity in the lack of attention other students give to books nowadays as he relieves himself by wallowing and scribbling in some empty corner. It's _just_ his third semester and everything shouldn't really be this overwhelming but ever since most of his mutuals have switched classes and moved dorms, Hanbin has basically been a loner for half a year.

The most Hanbin can recall himself speaking was when he recently offered to work on that group project on his own — even then, it was just a measly set of five to six words per sentence — and well, that clearly hasn't done much good for him.

He's supposed to be able to keep his ridiculous anxiety and all that in _check_ , because, well, he's _Kim Hanbin_. Said being meant to be one of the college's only student in his year getting by on a full scholarship for his composing and song-writing skills and his tough mentality against the pressure of _everything_ but, look who's crumbling now.

With a few tears failing to miss the sheets of homework he's almost done with, Hanbin contemplates when will be best for him to sneak back to his dorm because honestly, he's sure his roommates have used his bed more often than he has. The memory of whoever it was getting it on atop his campus sheets will forever be etched to the back of his mind —

"— _hello_? Excuse me, are you okay? —" Dumbly startled, Hanbin quickly fumbles for his falling papers as he processes that someone is seeing him _crying_ and all of a sudden, he's shifted the table before him and he's on the _floor_ and oh God, why a panic attack _now_ of all times —

(It's all becoming a blur despite the thick frame atop his nose and oh _more_ tears.)

"Fuck, fuck, fuck… um please, prett — I mean, kid," Hanbin can't _breathe_ and oh God, everything is so _loud_ and don't _touch_ him, "shh, please, I'm, um, not going to hurt you."

His hands are going _numb_ and his head feels like it's losing air and why is this person _still_ touching him?

Hanbin feels like _dying_ because this is his worst panic attack yet and it's in front of some stranger and the last thing he can consciously process are _arms_ and at the very least he'll die remembered by one pitiful person.

 

***

 

 _NO_.

Hanbin jolts up quite violently, retching slightly at the amount of force he used just to do that. Everything is surging back into his mind and it's just worsening his growing headache. His assignments, his bag, his still missing _keys_. _Where are they_?

He soon realizes that he's also not in his sweatshirt nor his sweatpants like he last remembered and these sheets are _not_ of his college's shitty quality. He hastily rummages for his glasses because even with his near-sightedness he can tell that he _isn't_ at the library and where _is_ he and _oh fuck has he been kidnapped_ —

He tries to slide off the bed and that's a very dumbass attempt of his as that only results with his knees failing and he's then a fallen heap of blankets and bundled hoodies and what the _fuck_ is going on —

"Wait, wait, w-why are you on the floor?"

Hanbin's eyes burn from all the crying because the last time he was awake, he was _also_ crying and oh God, when did he become so _weak_.

Suddenly, a pair of arms he recognises as the ones that had been wrapped around him during his most recent episode are on either of his sides and Hanbin is powerlessly thrashing at this person because _what is going on and why is he here and stop touching him_.

"Okay, so you, uh, want to stay on the floor? Um, okay then…" Despite the growing unease and fright and _peaking anxiety_ , Hanbin becomes too spent to protest the person's arms of _pure muscle_  that pull him flush against an equally sculpted chest and God, embarrassment and panic is _not_ a good combo.

Hanbin wants to deny it all — and he positively _will_ after all this — but he is a _sucker_ for affection and feeling spoiled and so it isn't much of a surprise how he gradually calms down in this still-a-stranger's soothing embrace. His hands are careful as he treads through Hanbin's hair and Hanbin can't help but appreciate the apparent consideration. But still, it would be absolutely idiotic if Hanbin continues to let his guard down around this suspicious albeit amiable stranger.

Mustering all his remaining strength, Hanbin lamely shoves himself away from the stranger, not going far as his back is met with the behind him.

"Wha —"

With his much clearer with his glasses and isn't drowning in tears, Hanbin finally gets a good look at this very questionable stranger and beneath his glare (another admittedly weakass attempt), he now secretly regrets doing so — as much to his dismay (more like delight), this person is _hot_.

With his dark hair still damp and everything but his legs bare to the world, here crouching before Hanbin is a dreadfully handsome male reminiscent to a perplexed muscle kitten (his eyes — they're totally similar to ones of a cat). Hanbin briefly wonders how pink his face has become and emptily prays that it's all from the cold and his ill-ridden body.

"Where… where am I?" Hanbin internally cringes at how nasally his voice sounds in the quiet air.

Muscle kitten guy gapes at him, puzzled, before growing flustered at his own confusion. "Ah, um, you're at my hotel room… uh, in Gangnam."

What? What whatwhat _w h a t_ —

"A-and why _am_ I here, you — you creep —"

"No, no, no!" Hanbin visibly flinches when the guy tries to stop Hanbin from fretting and exploding in more anxiety. The guy then folds both his hands on his lap and scoots back, maybe for good measure.

"I, well… I promise I didn't do anything to you the entire time you were asleep. The most I touched you was when I carried you to my car and changed your clothes —" he quickly shields himself when Hanbin shakily surges up "—please sit down first, you really shouldn't overexert yourself."

Hanbin pouts — he doesn't notice this nor the fond smile the guy wears at the gesture — and complies, cautiously shrinking into the rumpled blankets he pulls around himself.

"Well, it's just that you see, um, so maybe I should explain myself from the beginning —"

" _Clearly_."

"Uh, yeah, sorry… so, long story short, I was just touring the campus as I'm a transferee from Am — abroad and well, I just happened to be at the library and nearby where you were when… _that_ happened… and well, anybody decent who saw you in that sort of state would clearly help you so I did just so."

Hanbin is strongly tempted to retort that because really, he's just a bother and no one should ever feel compelled to want to be burdened by him but he'll hold his tongue back for now.

"And since you looked, well, no offense, _terrible_ and I knew I couldn't fully help you in a place like a public library so I… packed your stuff and brought you here because I don't think you'd appreciate the hospital much from how angrily you were already protesting with just me…"

Oh, and here comes the onslaught of Hanbin-typical guilt and self-loathing.

"… and yeah, after that, it was just me changing your clothes to something of mine just so you could rest more comfortably — oh yeah, you slept for like 16 hours straight — and making you drink water whenever you seemed a bit conscious because, well, crying dehydrates you, right?"

Hanbin wants to despise this guy — because he didn't ask to be helped and he doesn't deserve such hospitality — but fuck, it'd be an utter lie if Hanbin's heart isn't fluttering at his very _not_ cute smile. Still, that is not possible because this is still a supremely unknown stranger that might have a motive (even though that is highly doubtful).

Just when the guy parts his lips to probably ramble even more, Hanbin finds himself tumbling forward as he tries to hold back the abrupt urge to spill his insides out right before the muscle-kitten-eye-smile guy.

First impressions were never really his thing. 

 

***

 

HIS name is Kim Jiwon, Hanbin learns hours after heaving into the all too luxurious toilet and passing out during the shower after, and his American name is Bobby. Hanbin is not-so-shockingly a year younger than him and Jiwon will shockingly be taking the same courses as him in a few weeks. Among the many things Jiwon had babbled about himself is that Jiwon is studio-searching because he likes to produce his own tunes for his raps and Hanbin is almost compelled to offer his own but decides against it last minute (he hasn't even found his keys yet).

It is then revealed that Jiwon's cooking skills only go as far as cooking rice and boiling ramen (Hanbin nearly teases him for it but then remembers that he's also been getting by with store-bought bentos and instant noodles for the entirety of his college years), said ramen carefully placed before Hanbin, who has been manhandled into a new sweater that pretty much engulfs his entire frame and comfortably leant against the couch frame. Jiwon seems to have microwaved some leftovers of his because he returns from the kitchen with some marinated beef and rice, casually plopping down across Hanbin on the floor.

Already inhaling down his food, Jiwon curiously eyes Hanbin who hasn't touched his own food at all. It could be said that Hanbin is just much too used to _not_ eating more than actually eating, so such a hearty meal with someone who's tended to him more than anyone has since more than a year is just so queer to him — he doesn't want to indulge in something so obviously short-lived.

(Plus Hanbin would honestly prefer something light, unlike ramen, like _juk_ or maybe just plain rice porridge, but he's already bothered the elder male more than he wants to admit.)

"What is it? Is the ramen undercooked? Or maybe overcooked? I thought I did well enough on it though." Stealing a few sips, Jiwon wears a hilariously bewildered expression on his sightly features. (It nearly steals a snort from Hanbin.) "It's _wonderfully_ cooked! Hm, what is it then? Should I feed you too?"

Upon hearing the suggestion, Hanbin hurriedly grabs the set of chopsticks and busies himself with the truly delicious ramen before Jiwon can do anything even more foolish, cheeks warm with red just from the idea of being babied in such a manner. Jiwon looks pleased with himself after he begins eating, like as if he's actually worried and cares for him and isn't doing this just because it's what anyone decent would do if they were in his situation. It's unsettling that Hanbin becomes glad he's the cause of such a feeling.

They eat in a rather nice silence, both only brave enough to spare glances at one another which is just… so ridiculous at times, but, Hanbin kind of likes it.

"You know, Hanbin-ah…" Hanbin pauses mid-slurp to wait for Jiwon to continue, "i-if… you need anybody to, um, talk to or anything, about… stuff, you can, um, go to me." Hanbin sits frozen because they haven't spoken a peep about, well, the elephant in the room and he'd been privately relishing all the moments prior to it being addressed. Noticing Hanbin's discomfort, Jiwon waves his hands in what seems to be an attempt to reassure Hanbin, to stop the rushing train of thought conducted by anxiety spreading through his mind.

"I mean, you don't _have_ to if you're not comfortable with me! We're still pretty much strangers and everything, but it's just… that time, it looked like you were, well, going through a lot… (you still do) and you obviously kept it all bottled up without ever talking to anyone, which led to _that_ happening and everything…" Hanbin finally swallows the cooling noodles hanging between his lips when Jiwon makes eye contact with him.

The tension in Hanbin dissolves when he senses the pure sincerity swirling in Jiwon's eyes. "I don't want you ever going through that again and even if you do, the next times… I don't want you to go through then alone…"

Hanbin's chest really hurts; his heart is pumping out blood thick with needles and pins because that's the only possible reason to why everything aches from how genuine Jiwon seems. Hanbin obviously hates how horrendous his attacks and his anxiety and depression in general are and he wants them to just _ease_ but no, he does _not_ need — he does not _want_ to burden anyone with that, especially a stranger who seems to be more than willing to flatten his heart out just to fill it with Hanbin's.

"Y-you don't even know anything about me." Upon hearing his own sobbing voice, Hanbin only now realizes he's crying ( _again_ ) and he wants to laugh at just how many of his tear-falls has Jiwon witnessed despite having known one another in a span of less than 2 days. Hanbin can't really tell when but one moment he's curling into himself and everything is just sadness and despair and emptiness and the next moment, Jiwon is an ever-present warmth and Hanbin can't even think of a reason to steer himself away from his touch.

"I… I know enough to want to be there for you." Hanbin wants to call bullshit, he wants to say that he's no charity case, he wants to say that how can he even have the gall to say all that to his face; he doesn't though. He just melts into Jiwon and welcomes whatever Jiwon has to give him.

They remain like this, Hanbin wracking them both with his sobs and Jiwon not once faltering to console his never-ending woes.

Hanbin earnestly wants to get better; he does. And if that requires support from someone... is it really a sin for him to accept it?

"Um," Jiwon's eyes are wide at the croak of Hanbin's voice, "about your, uh… offer?"

Nodding, Jiwon tilts his head to level his gaze with Hanbin's and the roaring pain and restlessness may still be there but… but for now, Hanbin is too tired to mind.

Hanbin feels defenceless when he's faced with the thick worry and care in Jiwon's gaze, and despite everything — despite the decades of voices ringing through his ears loud with protests, despite the complete ambiguity of this all — Hanbin slowly gathers the courage, and, he smiles, tears and all.

(For no matter how desperate he may be for a glimpse of a life without the constant misery clinging to his skin, Hanbin undoubtedly would never accept help from a stranger.)

 

***

 

"How… how about we try to get to know each other...  _properly_ first?"

 

***

**Author's Note:**

> lol should this be chaptered or????


End file.
